


That Night

by LKKG



Series: SNAFU [1]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Plz don't hate this is too personal, Pre-Relationship, Self-Harm, blood so much blood, i'm sorry babies you deserve better than me projecting my bs onto you, no beta we die like men, seriously tho don't read this if self harm in an issue for you please
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:14:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25906423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LKKG/pseuds/LKKG
Summary: It's all fun and games until your roommate is bleeding out in your bathtub.
Relationships: Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Series: SNAFU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1880113
Comments: 6
Kudos: 54





	That Night

The day had started inconspicuously enough. Kurapika had already left the house by the time Leorio had woken up, but that was hardly unusual for a Saturday morning. Kurapika had been acting strange; well, stranger than usual, but after receiving a muttered "it's nothing, I'm fine" and a half baked smile when he asked about it, Leorio had let it slide. He'd kept his eyes peeled for anything suspicious, but hadn't pressed for details.

He'd hung out in the apartment, waiting for Kurapika to come back from wherever it was he'd run off to, probably the farmers' market he loved so much. Kurapika always insisted that there was a difference between the produce in the grocery store and the kind at the market, but Leorio had never been able to see it. Veggies were veggies, fruit was fruit. He'd eaten out of dumpsters before, he could hardly be picky.

When Kurapika hadn't returned by noon, Leorio shot him a text. Then another a half hour later. Then he called him a half hour after that. Then again ten minutes later, and this time he heard Kurapika's phone ringing in the other room. That more than anything set Leorio on edge. Kurapika was a person of habit, and more than that, a person of reason and logic. He never, ever went anywhere without his phone. Ever. As far as Leorio could tell, Kurapika being unreachable was as unlikely and unusual as... purple bees or an uncracked sidewalk in the neighborhood he grew up in. He took his phone everywhere, kept it charged, even kept an extra battery pack with him just in case. He was glued to it, but not in the way most people in their day and age were; Leorio had seen the apps he had installed, or rather the lack thereof, and Kurapika only seemed to use it for navigation and contact, nothing else. Maybe he didn't always answer it, but that was another story.

So his level of concern skyrocketed when he found it set carefully and purposefully on Kurapika's desk, right angles perfect aligned with the edges of his desk.

He wished Kurapika had more friends, or any other friend at all, so Leorio could try calling them, but as such, there wasn't anyone he could reach out to. The only thing he could think of was to check out all of Kurapika's usual haunts, but he couldn't tell if he was overthinking this or not. Maybe he was fine, maybe Leorio was overreacting about all of this, but his gut told him he wasn't. Even if he was, what was the harm in checking anyway? If Kurapika was just at the gym or the libraby or somewhere, Leorio could drop by, give him his phone, and maybe hang out with him before the mandatory study session he had to be at that evening. If not, then... well, if not then it was better that he be there anyway.

He grabbed his coat and left.

He checked the library first, but no luck. Then the gym, where he struck out again. Then Kurapika's favourite restaurant, then the computer lab at school, then a dozen other places, his concern growing achingly in his chest as hours passed without any sign of him. This wasn't like the other times Kurapika disappeared: he always told Leorio when he would be leaving town.

It was eight when he ended up back at the apartment having exhausted every possible haunt. His study session started in fifteen minutes and he was definitely going to be late but at this point he was too concerned to care, something that was made infinitely worse when, as he approached the front door, he spotted something splattered around the handle. Taking a closer look, he realized it was blood.

He threw open the door and rushed inside. The lights were off in the main room, but the bathroom door was cracked and light was spilling out from under it, and he could hear... humming? He half ran across the apartment and threw open the bathroom door. At first glance, the room seemed empty, but the humming stopped as the door creaked open.

"Leorio?" It was Kurapika's voice, but off sounding, coming from the general vicinity of the bathtub. "What are you doing here? You have a class... thingy."

Leorio stepped forward, noticing the blood on the floor and shower curtain before he pulled it open. He was good with blood, but he nearly gagged at what he saw inside. "Kur... Kurapika," he stammered.

"You're not supposed to be here. You have that thing. That you should be at. You weren't supposed to see this. You weren't supposed to see me."

"What...?" There was supposed to be more to that sentence, but nothing came out.

"What what?" Kurapika giggled. Actually giggled, and Leorio had to swallow down bile. "I'm fine, go to your thingy. You weren't suppose to see. You should forget all about this and go." Then he giggled again.

"Kurapika...you're...all this blood..."

Kurapika stretched in the tub, smearing dark stripes across the wall behind him. He was /smiling/. "I know. So much blood. I always knew the femoral was a major artery but... I never even began to imagine it would bleed this much."

"Kurapika, what did you do?" Leorio could barely speak around the horror and fear in his throat.

"Hmm? I didn't do anything. I did absolutely nothing. That's the best part. Well... actually, I did fight back a bit. You should see the other guy."

"What happened?" If Leorio were in a better state of mind he might have his priorities in order and be more concerned about stitching Kurapika back up or suicide watch or /something/ but his brain was still stuck on that fact that his roommate and best friend was currently laying fully clothed in their bathtub which was slowly filling with blood. His blood. And he was laughing.

"You can always find a fight if you know where to look. Got a whole group this time. Part of some gang or something I think. Bad guys anyway. I won of course but a couple of them got me. They had knives, you know. Didn't really start bleeding 'til I got back." He touched his thigh, then his side. "And then I thought, why not, you know? But I didn't wanna make a mess, too hard to clean up later, so bathtub," he said, like it made any sense at all. "How much do you think? A liter? Two? More?" He put his finger in it, touching the bottom, measuring how high the blood reached on his finger.

Leorio put a hand against the wall to steady himself. "Kurapika, why?"

"Hmm?" He replied, swirling his finger through the accumulation at the bottom of the tub.

"Why?" Again, Leorio intended to say more, but what the fuck could he even say about this?

"Don't you know?" Kurapika giggled again, then reached a bloody hand out to Leorio, gesturing for him to come closer before conspiratorially whispering, "it's because I'm a monster."

Leorio choked and couldn't breath as Kurapika laughed, the sound nothing like the gentle chiming it normally was, but high and keening and Leorio snapped. He shoved his hand into the blood at the end of the tub between Kurapika's feet and felt for the plug, which he pulled.

Kurapika made a confused and disgruntled sound. "What are you...? Stop it, I want to see-" Kurapika cried out again as he was cut off by a sudden onslot of cold water as Leorio turned the shower on full blast.

Before Kurapika could recover from he shock, Leorio grabbed the bottom of Kurapika's shirt and yanked, ripping it over his head, then did the same with his pants, having to trap Kurapika's legs with one arm to avoid being kicked in the face. He left the clothes in the tub and grabbed his bar of soap off the shelf on the wall and started scrubbing at every inch of skin that was above the blood-pinkened water. Kurapika put up more of a fight than he expected, but for now at least, with Leorio high on adrenaline and Kurapika weak from bloodloss, Leorio was stronger. Once he'd scrubbed all the blood off, he could identify three major wounds, one on Kurapika's inner thigh, one on his side, and one on his upper arm.

As soon as the water ran mostly clean, Leorio shut it off and hauled Kurapika upright and, with a warning snarl to not move a muscle, ran to his bedroom to grab his medical supplies. He kept a cardboard box filled with gauze and other more serious injury supplies in his closet, always wanting to have it on hand but never really expecting to need to use it.

He ran back and was relieved that to see that Kurapika hadn't moved, just as he'd asked. He pulled out disinfectant, his sterile needle and thread, and got to work. Kurapika didn't flinch as Leorio sewed him up. Leorio couldn't tell if he even noticed, he just kept giggling and repeating "I'm a monster" like that was the funniest thing in the world instead of the most sickening.

It took him half an hour to get the wounds handled, then another half hour to towel Kurapika off and get him into other clothes and into bed. He managed to trick Kurapika into taking a couple benadryls and he fell asleep quickly, but Leorio didn't. He made himself a pot of coffee, changed clothes (only now realizing that he probably should have taken his suit jacket off and rolled up his sleeves, and that no amount of stain remover was going to be able to save them now), and kept watch.

The first thing Kurapika noticed when he woke up was that he hurt. Everywhere. For one, blissful moment as he opened his eyes he didn't remember the night before. Then he sat up and saw Leorio, perched on a chair across the room, his eyes pivoting from the window to Kurapika, and he remembered everything. The only thing he could do was pull his knees to his chest and bury his face between them. "Fuck," he whispered.  
  
He'd been planning on keeping this from Leorio. He'd been planning on keeping it a secret from everyone. He needed people to think he was normal. Or normalish. He definitely didn't need people to know about this part of him, or to have seen his body and his scars, or to know how much of who he presented to be was a lie.  
  
Because the truth was that Kurapika was a mess, that he hated and found ways to hurt himself, and that he wasn't okay and hadn't been for a long time.  
  
And he didn't want anyone, especially Leorio, to know that truth.  
  
"Would you mind telling me what the fuck happened last night?"  
  
Leorio's voice was harsh and colder than ice, and it was only the knowledge that Kurapika was fairly sure he couldn't so much as stand that kept him from trying to make a run for it.  
  
"I..." Kurapika started, his face still buried against his knees. "You weren't supposed to know."  
  
"Fuck you." Kurapika flinched at the harsh words. "Try again."  
  
"I don't know how to explain it!"  
  
"Using words. Try again."  
  
"I got in a fight."  
  
"And?"  
  
"And I did something stupid."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I'm an idiot and I thought you would be busy."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Kurapika nearly screamed in frustration. "What do you want, my entire fucking life story? All the gory details of the absolute disaster that is Kurapika Kurta? Because I don't think-"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Kurapika stopped. "What?"  
  
"I want your entire life story. I've been patient. I haven't asked you anything about your past after what you've told me, I tried to be respectful, but I'm done with that now."  
  
"Well maybe it's none of your fucking business."  
  
"YOU MADE IT MY BUSINESS WHEN I CAME HOME AND FOUND YOU BLEEDING OUT IN MY BATHTUB."  
  
Kurapika's head shot up in fear and surprise. He'd never seen Leorio like this before. He could be a bit of a hothead, yes, but this was something else. This was somehow smouldering yet frigid all at once and Kurapika was afraid.  
  
Leorio took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You're my best friend, Kurapika. I care about you, and that was fucking terrifying. That would have been fucking terrifying anyway. So please. I need to know why that happened, and yes, if that means you need to tell me your life story than you're going to fucking tell me your life story."  
  
"Okay," Kurapika whimpered, a sound that might have been mortifying if he weren't so frightened. He took a deep breath. He started slowly, but as the words started tumbling out of his mouth, they snowballed until he couldn't stop them if he wanted to.  
  
He told Leorio about his childhood and where he grew up, his parents and his village and his friends and his people. He told him about how beautiful it had been and how loving everyone was and how he grew up happy and healthy and strong. And then he told him about his trip to the outside world, and about what he found when he returned. About how his people had been tortured and raped and slaughtered, the children and those whose eyes wouldn't turn first, in front of the rest. He told Leorio about how he buried each and every one of them in their own grave, giving each person the proper burial they deserved. About how he swore, to every broken, eyeless corpse that he would avenge them and make them whole. About how he fled to this country because he could get the resources he needed here, about being put in the foster care system and the horrors he experienced there. Then he told him about the dreams he had, dreams where he was watching his people be tortured and killed from the edge of his village, but he couldn't move forward no matter how much they screamed, how much they begged for him to help them. About how he started baiting the people around him to hurt him, because he deserved to feel what his people had, how as he grew stronger he started picking fights with stronger people, and then how after the fights he would let himself bleed because at least now it was his blood on the ground instead of his peoples'. How that made him feel closer to them. How he always took enough care of his wounds that he wouldn't have to go to the hospital, but he wouldn't let them heal because he deserved to hurt, how he wanted the scars. He told him about how he hid everything from his foster families and everyone else. About how one day he'd realized that it was getting too hard to hide, so he'd stopped for the most part, but that on days like yesterday, the anniversaries or holidays, he couldn't stop himself, didn't want to stop himself. He told him that the day before had been the furthest he'd ever gone and that he'd never let himself bleed that much before, and that while he did hurt himself, he would never try to take his own life yet because his people still needed him.  
  
He spoke until his throat burned and his head pounded and he had to lay back against the pillows because he couldn't support himself because he was still weak from the bloodloss.  
  
And Leorio listened.

Leorio listened. Part way through he'd had to cover his face so Kurapika couldn't see him crying as he heard horror after horror after horror. It hurt to think that these things could happen, did happen, were happening all the time, had happened to someone so precious to him. And worse to think that someone as beautiful and powerful and completely /good/ as Kurapika could ever do that to themself. Leorio tried and failed to understand how anyone as perfect as Kurapika could feel that they deserved these things, or rather he could understand why Kurapika could think those things, he just didn't agree.  
  
But what the everloving fuck could he say after hearing all this? How does one respond to hearing the details of someone's self harm history and present? Especially someone you love's? He was heartbroken, aching that Kurapika had had to experience what they had. The past was the past. He could accept Kurapika and their past easily. He already was accepting it, working through the ins and outs of it, giving careful consideration to questions he would ask later and how to make Kurapika's future easier and more bearable. He could never erase the past and wouldn't dream of it, but he could make the future better. That he was comfortable with.  
  
But another, large part of him was angry. Angry with Kurapika for hurting himself, because Leorio was extremely protective of the people he let into his heart, and he hated the idea of someone hurting someone he loved. So the cognitive dissonance this caused within him nearly split his heart in two. Not only that, he was also angry, furious, that Kurapika kept this from him, had been planning to continue to keep this from him. Of course Kurapika deserved privacy, and no, Leorio didn't have the right to know all of Kurapika's darkest secrets, but he wanted that right. He wanted to know everything about Kurapika. He wanted Kurapika to lean on him, to come to him when he was feeling less than his best, wanted to be Kurapika's emotional crutch. He wanted Kurapika to find him instead of a fight. Wanted Kurapika to listen to him instead of those voices in his head that told him all those lies. Was he selfish for wanting everything for himself? Yes. Was he naive for thinking it would be that easy? Absolutely. But if Kurapika was allowed to want to hurt himself then Leorio was allowed to be stupid and selfish and naive.

Kurapika waited. He'd run out of words almost ten minutes ago, and Leorio still hadn't moved. His face was in his hands, completely obscured, and Kurapika had no idea what to expect.  
  
He'd never told anyone all of this. A few people knew bits and pieces, and there were parts of his history that Kurapika wasn't afraid to share, but no one had ever known everything before.  
  
Would Leorio be angry? Would he pity him? Kurapika hated pity. He'd survived, maybe not lived, at least not well, but he'd survived. And he would continue to do so without anyone's pity. But he also didn't want Leorio to be angry. Kurapika had never told him about any of this for a reason. He'd never intended to tell him because of exactly this. He didn't know how Leorio would respond, and the risk of losing him was too high. Any risk was too high. For reasons Kurapika would never fully understand, he wanted Leorio in his life. Leorio had been the cause of the first real joy Kurapika had felt since he was twelve, and Kurapika, for all his self-loathing and his desire to punish himself, couldn't fathom losing him.  
  
"Leorio?" He whispered, his voice as wobbly as he felt.  
  
Leorio remained still, and Kurapika didn't push again.  
  
Another ten minutes passed before Leorio finally stirred, sucking in a long, deep breath before sitting up, swiping at his face before lowering his hands. There was determination written across his face as his eyes met Kurapika's.  
  
"To preface this, you are my best friend in the entire world, so please understand that what I'm about to say comes from a place of love. What you're doing is insane. I know you feel it's justified. I know you have your reasons. But it's not, and your reasons are stupid, and I know that's rude and insensitive but I honestly don't give a fuck. You're going to kill yourself. That's not an exaggeration. That's a medical fact. Judging by the depth of the blood pool you were in, you probably lost close to one and half liters of blood. Considering your size, that's almost forty percent of how much you have in your body. If you'd lost anymore your organs would have started to fail and you'd have fallen into a coma. After that, you'd have continued to lose blood until you eventually died. Do you understand that? I would have come home to find you dead. Dead. Do you understand that?"  
  
Kurapika couldn't look at him, and jerked his head in a nod.  
  
"You can't do this anymore. I don't care how strong the urge is, I don't care how much you want to or however that works, you can't do this anymore or next time you will die. Do you understand that?"  
  
Again, Kurapika jerked out a nod, beginning to tremble.  
  
"I'm not a shrink but I know I'd never be able to convince you to go see one anyway, so you'll have to make do with me. I need you swear to me on something that matters, whatever matters most to you that you will never do this again. That whenever you feel like you want to, you will come to me instead. We'll figure out how to handle it. I know you're brilliant, so use that stupid brain of yours. You know you need this. So swear to me."  
  
Kurapika was roiling on the inside. He could barely remember a time without the thoughts, without the voices that muttered cruel things in his mind. But he knew Leorio was right. He'd very nearly killed himself. And he couldn't die. Not yet anyways. Not until he'd completed his goal.  
  
He took a breath, hoping it would steady him. It didn't, but at least he'd tried. He raised his eyes at met Leorio's gaze. "I swear on the blood of my people that I won't hurt myself again and that when I feel the need to I will come to you instead."  
  
Leorio sat there watching him for a moment, then stood. "You better not break that promise."  
  
"I won't."  
  
"Good." He crossed to the door. "I'm going to get you some food and water and you are lay there and doing nothing until I'm back and then you're going to eat it all."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"And you're not allowed to do anything strenuous for the next two weeks."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't 'what' me, you just lost three times the amount people donate and it takes four to eight weeks for the body to fully replace the red blood cells after losing a pint. So two weeks, nothing strenuous."  
  
Kurapika huffed as Leorio left the room. But he was too grateful that Leorio still wanted to he his friend and hadn't kicked him to the curb to be terrifically upset.


End file.
